Step 2011-05-10 05:49:37

Hey, I saw that you wanted some feedback on Love No More, in the Review Request Club thread. I thought I might help out a bit because I've done a fair share of writing myself, but don't expect any professionalism because I haven't written anything other than school essays and the occasional poem for years. D:

First thing I noticed was that you're quite good at portraying emotions in your writing. I can feel the anger, the defiance, just from reading Love No More once. And you've got quite a vague storyline leaving the reader to his imagination of the whole ordeal that's happening, which was done quite well, may I add.

I have two issues with it:

Firstly, this seems to have a weird clash of two writing styles, one being poetic, and another in a style that's as if you're talking in a casual conversation. For instance, this sentence:

"Why can't you have some sort of encrypted cry for help instead of a automatic machine gun shooting at anyone who dares knock on the doors of your heart."

...is quite poetic and fits well with the emotional distress that's going on, and yet there's this part:

"Why are you crying now?..WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE TALKATIVE?..Sorry, I was too loud."

...which totally clashes with the theme you're going for in my opinion. The occasional words like 'heck' and 'gonna' also sound awkward. Maybe this was intentional, to stress the fact that this is meant to be a sort of one-way conversation, but I still think the two writing styles seem awkward around each other.

Secondly, you focus a lot on inside/psychological feelings and I wish you could've given a description of the surroundings. For example, when you say the room felt hotter, I would've liked if you wrote down some imagery to evoke a feeling of heat to the reader, rather than just say it felt hot and continue with the rhetorical questions and emotional pain. Also if you describe the surroundings a bit more, you can build up more of an atmosphere in my opinion. This, however, is just a suggestion, not much of a problem.

Naturally there are a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but those can be fixed easily. If you want me to proofread anything, just send me a message, I've got some experience proofreading stuff.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed my amateur analysis of your work, and keep it up :3.

Step 2011-05-10 09:28:09

Nah you're not bad at grammar at all, I'm just being a perfectionist :D.

Just watch out for the difference between "your" and "you're".

/nerdiness.